That's low even for you........

I hate blogging, I love reading other peoples blogs, but I'm incapable of writing my own, I'm too critical of myself and often feel I'm not captivating my writer, which I'm probably not now, but I wanted to write about this as I feel very strongly about it.....

And yes it's about alan, so go away now if you don't want to hear, It's perfectly understandable if you don't wanna hear me talking about him, I wish it wasn't in my head too but what can I do?

I blocked him on facebook, he's being unbearably public about his new relationship, frankly it disgusts me, but short of punching him in the face I don't think I'll be able to get the message across that it hurts me, so I just avoid it as much as possible.

Now facebook, is crap, because even though I had blocked him, it conveniently decided to forget this, at a really bad time, some horrible person, not naming names but I'm guessing it's the same person who's been sending me abuse and crap since the start, decided to send me a message, from an anonymous e-mail address, containing a link, now normally I wouldn't click on it, but they said it was a link to photos alan had posted of me, was a little worried :-s.................

Stupid me clicked on the link, and guess what I was confronted with? A lovely big picture of Alan and Jemma sucking face, OUCH!

I shouldn't care, but it's very hard to erase old feelings and when it takes you by surprise like that, well, whoah, let me tell you, it's not fun.

and so I decided at this point to clearly become some sort of masochist, I must have been on auto pilot cos a sick curiosity came over me, and I looked at the other pictures in the album, wowee, I've never felt pain like it, ever, and I've been through a lot of pain, lots of lovely pictures of Jemma lying in his bed, wearing a t-shirt of his, that ironically I had bought for him, and many other images that will be burned into my retina, and my nightmares for ages to come, not that I can sleep much anyways!

It's all well and good to say you're over a person and you don't want them back, but this stuff still hurts, especially if you're still single and you have no one to fill the gap the other person left.
I thought alan and I had an agreement to be subtle, and I've done my best to uphold it because I still care about him very deeply, he was a massive part of my life, but it seems i've been an idiot again, because I assumed he cared about me too, wrongo

well, I'm gonna be upset and in pain and probably not very nice for a while again now, sorry about it in advance.....
Rant over :)
bye peoples
x