Coming dooooooooown......

Well, I guess my High from Tim's party, Cardiff and my first day of work has worn off.......

I've just kind of realised that you're all off to uni soon, leaving me on my own :/ which sucks ass if I'm honest, and I'm gonna miss you all more than I'd like to admit.....Frankly I've only actually met ONE other person my age at my job, she's lovely and all, but it feels a little sad that I get on better with the 30-40 year old men than I get on with her :(

So yeah, I'm massively miserable, plus I've sort of done a u-turn on the path I wanna take with my life recently, and thats got me confused too :-s

I'm really enjoying work, and I do have an absolutely AWESOME job by any standards, I think I'll be pretty good at it, and the team I'm in is suportive, but I already feel like I'm getting too comfortable, a very bad thing, I am dead set on going to uni in a different country at some point in the future, but I'm no longer seeing a rush, and I'm starting to be less sure about canada for 6 months.......for a start, it's looking as though getting the visa is gonna be almost impossible, because there is apparently a huge list of people wanting one in december, this has really gotten me down and I'm kinda wishing they hadn't told me now :/

However, payday on the 3rd of Sept, so something to look forward to at least, unless I spend it all then end up feeling guilty for it haha
Thanks for reading x

PS I wish I was going to Reading, I'm jealous of all you lucky buggers -_-

Results

Surprised no one's blogged about this yet.....but I supposed many people are still unconcious from Tim's awesomely awesome party XD

Well, I was dissapointed to be honest, everyone said I shouldn't have been, and I can see their point, BBCC isn't a bad set of grades to get in Biol, chem, phys and Welsh, but in my mind I just know I'm capable of better so I was upset with them. I did do a good job of hiding this at results lol but my mum will tell you I was one hell of a state when I got home.

My main issue is, I can't really go through the rest of my life saying, 'oh I got this this and this, but it was BECAUSE I was really ill/grandma died/sister was in hospital/broke up with alan/was scared to go to school/had bronchitis/glandular fever' for the rest of my life, the list of reasons is extensive, and I suppose they're justified, but I'm not gonna list them every time someone asks me what I got, it just feel like I'm trying to excuse what I see as my own personal failure :( So yeah, it sucks

On the brighter side, I worked it all out and I am only 1 point from an A in biology, so maybe I'll just re-sit a module, then I'll be thrilled with my results :) I was chuffed to bits with my C in physics, although I think maybe the examiner was drunk when they marked it.....

So now I guess I have a million choices to make, I've spent a lot of the time I've been concious today researching things. If I'm honest, I'm not really sure I want to go straight into medicine anymore, because although medicine is where I'd like to end up, I'm not sure what field of medicine I want to go into, plus my real passion at the moment is Biology and I'd quite like to do a degree in that and do some research papers before I go into specialisng, I want to work on cancer research and cures for AIDs, something worthwhile, not just being stuck in a local hospital doing dreary day to day tasks, from what I experienced of it, only surgeons have any real fun, and I'm just not brave enough or clever enough to be one haha

The basic sort of plan I've worked out in my head so far is I want to go to canada/america to study, I found a lovely uni in Hawaii that looks quite good :) and I want to study Biology, preferably Human. From there, I'm not really positive, I want to go into nursing, and sepcialise in paedeatrics, then perhaps go on to do a nurse practitioner's course so I can end up a doctor like originally planned, sure it's the long way round, but being in medicine for me has always been about the people I help rather than the job itself and the prestige surrounding it.

Another thing I revisited today, which I haven't thought about in aaaaages, is how much I'd still quite like to be a vet, the zoology courses in American Universities are really interesting....and if I'm honest, I quite fancy going to Australia and doing zoology there and then working in a big zoo with loads of awesome animals :)

All in all, I know I don't have a plan right now, but thats fine, because I like the way things are going, I'm having loads of fun, I am so immensely proud of all my friends who've gotten into university, you all deserve it, I'm bloody terrified of you all leaving and I'm gonna miss you like crazy, but visiting you all will give me something to do :) I start work on monday, start earning money XD can't wait, hopefully I'll meet some lovely new people :)

So good luck to everyone with whatever it is you're doing, I'll be sorry to see you go, but happy for you :)

Oh, and Tim's party.......FRIGGING EPIC NIGHT :) made all the better by the complete lack of drama. The hangover however was definitely not as fun haha I'm off to post the photos on facebook now haha

Ciao! xx

Can't Bloody Wait to go to Canada (II)

Well, sorry for the last blog lol

But this time I really am writing about how fanatasticlaly orgasmically excited I am about going to Canada, I CAN'T FREAKING WAIT!

As a lot of you already know, I've never really been further than Alton Towers, so my experience of away from home doesn't stretch to much, thus I am abso-fricking-lutely terrified
but at the same time it's so exhilerating to be doing something that I want to do that's literally JUST for me and no one else
and it's such a gorgeously beautiful country, I don't think I would have thought to go there if Adam hadn't written a blog about it, but I'm so glad he did as it opened up a whole new world of thought for me

A different continent, away from my family (who get on my nerves a lot, I think they'll be easier to love from afar), away from all the drama and bad memories I have here, a fresh start XD

Admittedly I will also be far away from my friends, but I'll have Adam, and we're gonna make you all visit us ALL THE TIME! -_-

It's a very out of the blue thing for me to do, and I suppose you could say out of character, my mum nearly freaked out when I said in general conversation 'I'm going on a gap year to Canada'
She was positive she'd misheard me, but no, I am going, and I WILL enjoy every second of it
I'm gonna get a full time job from the end of exams up to probably about christmas time, I figure by that I'll save up about £5000 to take with me, they only recommend that you take £500, but I'm a bit of a nervous person and I'd rather be prepared lol

I can't wait to live on my own and have some freedom, no curfews, friends round whenever the hell I want, I cna even have parties :-O something I've never been able to do before, which dissapoints me lol

I am thinking I shall have to learn a bit of french before I go out there, as Montreal looks to be one of the nicest places to go, and it's got a big tourist industry so ther'll be more jobs there
I'm counting down the months, A levels don't seem to matter too much anymore, I know they probably should, and I'm still studying, but I just want to get out there and away from here now, hopefully my life out there will be entirely devoid of drama, I swear to god if any of my problems happen to follow me out there, namely if Jemma is still persistent in harassing me, heads are going to roll -_- But other than that, yey me I can't wait! XD

Also, I've been in a really smushy, lovey mood lately and I always seem to be happy, I have NO IDEA why, but I don't wanna jinx it, so go with it lol
LOVE YOU ALLL!!!!!!!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Can't Bloody Wait to Go to Canada

well I want to write a blog, but to be honest I think maybe I'm too upset.....I'll try again later

That's low even for you........

I hate blogging, I love reading other peoples blogs, but I'm incapable of writing my own, I'm too critical of myself and often feel I'm not captivating my writer, which I'm probably not now, but I wanted to write about this as I feel very strongly about it.....

And yes it's about alan, so go away now if you don't want to hear, It's perfectly understandable if you don't wanna hear me talking about him, I wish it wasn't in my head too but what can I do?

I blocked him on facebook, he's being unbearably public about his new relationship, frankly it disgusts me, but short of punching him in the face I don't think I'll be able to get the message across that it hurts me, so I just avoid it as much as possible.

Now facebook, is crap, because even though I had blocked him, it conveniently decided to forget this, at a really bad time, some horrible person, not naming names but I'm guessing it's the same person who's been sending me abuse and crap since the start, decided to send me a message, from an anonymous e-mail address, containing a link, now normally I wouldn't click on it, but they said it was a link to photos alan had posted of me, was a little worried :-s.................

Stupid me clicked on the link, and guess what I was confronted with? A lovely big picture of Alan and Jemma sucking face, OUCH!

I shouldn't care, but it's very hard to erase old feelings and when it takes you by surprise like that, well, whoah, let me tell you, it's not fun.

and so I decided at this point to clearly become some sort of masochist, I must have been on auto pilot cos a sick curiosity came over me, and I looked at the other pictures in the album, wowee, I've never felt pain like it, ever, and I've been through a lot of pain, lots of lovely pictures of Jemma lying in his bed, wearing a t-shirt of his, that ironically I had bought for him, and many other images that will be burned into my retina, and my nightmares for ages to come, not that I can sleep much anyways!

It's all well and good to say you're over a person and you don't want them back, but this stuff still hurts, especially if you're still single and you have no one to fill the gap the other person left.
I thought alan and I had an agreement to be subtle, and I've done my best to uphold it because I still care about him very deeply, he was a massive part of my life, but it seems i've been an idiot again, because I assumed he cared about me too, wrongo

well, I'm gonna be upset and in pain and probably not very nice for a while again now, sorry about it in advance.....
Rant over :)
bye peoples
x

This one WILL be a happy one :-)

Firstly, Mair's party, I got wrecked, I can't remember much, but the bits I do remember mostly make me smile, and even if they don't they hold some deeper meaning for me, I understand them, and this makes me happy, so overall, it was a good night, even if I'm still doing penance for it lol

Secondly, I'm so happy right now, I don't think I've felt better in the past few years, I almost always manage to have a smile on my face, which is a major improvement, I'm sure most of you will agree. I feel I have been bringing people down a lot lately, with my talk of Alan, and all the crap that went on there, truth is, I only ever wanted him back because I didn't want to be alone, understandable after almost 4 years, but I'm over it now, and gladly so, I've even started to like someone else, and I can't tell you what a relief it is to discover I haven't totally lost faith in man kind! and I want to shout it from the roof tops!

I know shouldn't be happy but, I DON'T LOVE HIM ANYMORE! In all honesty I felt trapped, it was a horrible relationship and we both treated each other very badly, but now I'm FREEEEEEEEEE. I don't hate him, which is good, cos I don't want something bad to come out of it, I don't even hate Jemma, well that might be going a bit far, I dislike her very much for what she's done to me personally, but I don't hate her for being with Alan if you see what I mean. Alan and I are even attempting the friendship thing, but I dunno, I don't see it working out.........I want to be his mate, but overall, I can see that me being so will cause problems, I can also see the route his life is taking and I don't like it, but as theres nothing I can do other than be a friend, I can't interfere and it may hurt me to see him fail.........but I'll take friendship while it lasts.

I have also become incredibly aware of how fantastic my friends are, you've all gotten me through this situation, and it's been messy and confusing and I've even gone so far as to lie to you at times, which was very wrong of me, I hate keeping things from my friends, but the truth is mostly out there now, anyway, I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart and soul, for putting up with me, talking to me, not getting irate with me, you've all been amazing and I'm glad you overlooked the fact that I was an unsociable cow while I was with Alan, It's never going to happen again, I've lived and learned.

I've also noticed many of my friends are going through issues of their own right now, and to them I say, I'm always here, a shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to, someone to just sit with and be comfortable with, I'm willing to do anything to help any of you in the ways you've all helped me.............

My life is finally in perspective, I've lived through a hell of a lot, none of you know all of what I've been through, maybe oneday I'll tell someone the whole story, if someone ever asks to hear it, ever wants to hear it :-s but I cna honestly say, what doesn't kill you does make you stronger, and you will never ever appreciate the unbounding joy of the highs in life, until you have had some experience of the painfull and depressing lows, so right now, I'm happy, content, blissful and well, in short, I'm me again :-)
I love you all more than you could ever imagine!!!!!!!!!!
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

ps LMFAO at alan's hair :-D