This one WILL be a happy one :-)

Firstly, Mair's party, I got wrecked, I can't remember much, but the bits I do remember mostly make me smile, and even if they don't they hold some deeper meaning for me, I understand them, and this makes me happy, so overall, it was a good night, even if I'm still doing penance for it lol

Secondly, I'm so happy right now, I don't think I've felt better in the past few years, I almost always manage to have a smile on my face, which is a major improvement, I'm sure most of you will agree. I feel I have been bringing people down a lot lately, with my talk of Alan, and all the crap that went on there, truth is, I only ever wanted him back because I didn't want to be alone, understandable after almost 4 years, but I'm over it now, and gladly so, I've even started to like someone else, and I can't tell you what a relief it is to discover I haven't totally lost faith in man kind! and I want to shout it from the roof tops!

I know shouldn't be happy but, I DON'T LOVE HIM ANYMORE! In all honesty I felt trapped, it was a horrible relationship and we both treated each other very badly, but now I'm FREEEEEEEEEE. I don't hate him, which is good, cos I don't want something bad to come out of it, I don't even hate Jemma, well that might be going a bit far, I dislike her very much for what she's done to me personally, but I don't hate her for being with Alan if you see what I mean. Alan and I are even attempting the friendship thing, but I dunno, I don't see it working out.........I want to be his mate, but overall, I can see that me being so will cause problems, I can also see the route his life is taking and I don't like it, but as theres nothing I can do other than be a friend, I can't interfere and it may hurt me to see him fail.........but I'll take friendship while it lasts.

I have also become incredibly aware of how fantastic my friends are, you've all gotten me through this situation, and it's been messy and confusing and I've even gone so far as to lie to you at times, which was very wrong of me, I hate keeping things from my friends, but the truth is mostly out there now, anyway, I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart and soul, for putting up with me, talking to me, not getting irate with me, you've all been amazing and I'm glad you overlooked the fact that I was an unsociable cow while I was with Alan, It's never going to happen again, I've lived and learned.

I've also noticed many of my friends are going through issues of their own right now, and to them I say, I'm always here, a shoulder to cry on, someone to talk to, someone to just sit with and be comfortable with, I'm willing to do anything to help any of you in the ways you've all helped me.............

My life is finally in perspective, I've lived through a hell of a lot, none of you know all of what I've been through, maybe oneday I'll tell someone the whole story, if someone ever asks to hear it, ever wants to hear it :-s but I cna honestly say, what doesn't kill you does make you stronger, and you will never ever appreciate the unbounding joy of the highs in life, until you have had some experience of the painfull and depressing lows, so right now, I'm happy, content, blissful and well, in short, I'm me again :-)
I love you all more than you could ever imagine!!!!!!!!!!
THANK YOU!!!!!!!!
xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

ps LMFAO at alan's hair :-D